KAI!
by limpet666
Summary: Ok, more explanation inside but if you havent read Em the Elfs ff you wont know Kai or Kalin and therefore you probably wont understand this but if you have read them and you know who Kai is...well...now he has his own fanfiction!
1. Hangover 1

**KAI!  
  
**(Kai - -does the girl dance- Omg! Omg! I have my own fanfiction!!)**  
  
**Ok...I've done it, I've finally done it, I said I would, and now I have... dear oh dear...hehe...  
  
Ok, right, first things you aren't going to have a clue who I'm talking about if you haven't read Em the Elf's fanfictions. Kai is a character from there and I have a leetle obsession with him... ; hehem so this is a fanfiction OF a fanfiction, but seeing as it will have LOTR characters in it, as well as a few guest appearances if they allow, this will still be posted on , so mneeeeeeeh!! Hehe  
  
I don't expect to get any reviews I'm just writing this for the hell of it. It's not going to be good, there's going to be a lot of bad humour in it and probably some adult themes, judging from Kai (and handcuffs are going to be a recurring theme )  
  
Ooooooooooooooon with the show!  
  
Oh yeah, this is weird-  
  
Disclaimer – I do not own Kai or Kalin, they both belong to Em the Elf! Weird huh!?  
  
**( ( KAI! ) )**  
  
_ "Kai! Kai! He's the one! There isn't an elf he **hasn't** done!"_ Chorused the elflings in the playground, blissfully unawares that their chanting had awoken a certain dark haired individual. That is until-  
  
"WOULD YOU LITTLE ORQURIM SHUT THE HELL UP!!!" (Orqurim – orc - methinks) Kai staggered to his window, raven hair mussed, glaring at the youngster rabidly.  
  
"But they're only speaking the truth, dear brother" A reasonable voice said behind him. Kai jerked round, blinking randomly, almost tripping out of the window, even with his elf hearing he hadn't heard Kalin enter his room.  
  
"I know that! But it's not the fricken point..." He muttered shamelessly, dropping to his knees and crawling under his bed, dragging the blanket with him.  
  
"Well what is the point, oh Saurar" (Saurar – Foul one - brotherly love, aww ;) Kalin inquired, watching his brother with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"The point, dear brother," Came the reply "Is that it is only 11am!!"  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaand" he questioned, sensing more.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaand...I have a hangover" Was the answer, albeit quieter than usual. Kalin sighed, it was times like this he wondered why he had to be the younger, it was obvious who was more mature.  
  
Upon hearing his brothers loud snores and sneezes emitting from the dusty underside of the bed Kalin stooped down and grabbed his brothers twitching leg, dragging him kicking and screaming into the light.  
  
"IT BURNS!!" Kai curled up in a ball, protecting his 'sensitive' eyes from the sun.  
  
"Get up, Kai! Father requests our presence!" The younger ordered, dropping the limb.  
  
"Tell father to go to hell, I'll meet him there, probably...or not...shut up..." Kai murmured, not caring or not aware if anything he said made a bit of sense.  
  
"Oh no you don't!" Kalin exclaimed, grabbing the hangovered elf's leg again as he attempted to return back to the darkness. This time he dragged his brother out of the room and down the corridor...still kicking and screaming.  
  
The elves they passed on the way didn't seem affected by the ranting and explicit language used by Kai at all, it was, after all, a regular event.  
  
Eventually Kai calmed down, a grin on his face as his brother pulled him down the corridor. After climbing to his feet Kalin knew something was wrong, his brother was being too damn quiet, and he had 'the look'.  
  
"Who have you seen?" He questioned with a sigh, Kai's grin widened.  
  
"Legolas is here"  
  
"Oh yes, one of the few elves you haven't yet jumped..." Kalin smirked. The elder raven-haired elf's eyes blazed as he attempted to chase the Mirkwood Prince down the corridor. Unfortunately for him, Kalin had somehow managed to get a leash around his neck without him knowing and proceeded to tie it to a door handle, successfully choking the poor elf. "Gak!" Kai fell to the floor in a very ungraceful heap, glaring daggers at his younger brother.  
  
"What?" Kalin asked innocently, untying the rope and tugging it lightly "come on doggy" The next thing Kalin knew he was being hung out of a window by his ankles, staring at the floor some 100m below him, with Kai yelling some particularly nasty expletives down at him.  
  
A sharp cough caught the attention of the two brothers and Kai turned round slowly only to come face to face with a very pissed off looking Elrond. After screaming like a girl and almost dropping Kalin the two elves tried to 'inconspicuously' slink off. Of course this plan was ruined as Kai, having the attention span to match...let's say...Em the Elf...began singing the slinky song.  
  
After maybe a few renditions of "Everybody loves a slinky!" Elrond was appropriately fuming and did the only decent thing he could think of. He locked them in a room and ate the key.  
  
"Woooooooooooow" Kai gasped enthusiastically as his brother threw himself repeatedly at the door.  
  
"Kai!! Would you get over here and- wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!" the two elves looked round, meeting a sight that almost had Kai fainting. Elrond had locked them in the wine cellar...  
  
**( ( 3 hours later ) )  
  
** "Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo...where...wh-ere was I... ergh...oh yeah..." Needless to say both of the raven-haired elves were pretty much plastered. They had given up trying to escape after the first 15 or so bottles of Rivendells finest alcohol and were now content to sit (or lie in Kais case) and attempt coherently speaking.  
  
"I think I'm...going to th-throw up" Kalin murmured, searching for a window, finding it, flinging it open hurriedly and projectile vomiting a purplish liquid in a 7 meter arc across the sky.  
  
"Dude!" Kai commented, watching with amusement as it fell rapidly and landed... on a very shocked looking Thranduil "oooooh...crep..." Kalin at least had the smarts to pull his head back from the window before the lord of Mirkwood could look up.  
  
"We-ell lil' bro, it's been...er... nice knowing yoooo" The elder elf saluted Kalin but the sharp action caused him to topple over and sit in a fit of giggles. His brother, however, had already passed out on the floor, a contented grin on his face.  
  
**( ( KAI! ) )  
  
**Well there it is folk!! The first chapter of a fanfiction which very few people are going to read ;. Thank you Em the Elf for letting me steal Kai and Kalin, now everyone doe as I say and read her fanfiction!! –glares-


	2. Hangover 2

**KAI! 2  
  
**Ok, welcome to the next instalment of something I write when I have too much coffee... enjoy!  
  
And dankoo to Em the Elf, she rules, and she's met Craig Parker... damn you... I'll never forgive you for not taking me with you... .:glares:.  
  
**( ( KAI! ) )  
  
** "Ooooooh...my head..." Kai moaned, rolling over till he was face down, blocking out the tiniest bit of life. This was the downside of drinking...hangovers...although you would have thought the raven haired elf would be used to them, seeing as he woke up with them at least twice a day... damn...he was too lazy even to breathe 'I'll just lay here, not breathing, and try to get some sleep' he thought.  
  
There was a shuffling near him, followed by a gasp and finally a very girly scream.  
  
"OH...MY...GOD!!! MURDER!!! TREACHERY! RAAAAAAAAAPE!! Wait...no...not rape! But the other two!!" It was Kalin, apparently having a seizure of some kind "SOMEONES KILLED KAI!!!!!!!" The younger elf finished.  
  
"Shut uuuuuuuuuuuuup..." The elf in question whined, twitching slightly.  
  
"AH! NO! ZOMBIE!" Kalin squealed, running full pelt at the door, just as someone entered, meaning the raven head smacked into the wooden black and collapsed in a pathetic heap.  
  
"What is going on in here?!" A very p'd off looking Elrond demanded; his brown hair was standing on end and eyes glaring lividly.  
  
"I fink hyou'f b'ocken ma nothe," Kalin muttered, staring at the blood "Blud? BLUD! Hyou'f med ma bled!" He started sounding quite Scottish.  
  
"Would you all just smeg off..." Kai cried pitifully, not able to see a dark aura glow around the elf lord or see his brother back off. He had no idea what was happening until -  
  
( ( 5 hours later ) )  
  
"This is your fault you know..." Kalin muttered, picking another purple flower and sneezing violently. After Elrond was done having a hissy fit at the two brothers for drinking half his wine cellar he had sent them out to collect 'ingredients'. Doesn't sound to bad? Wrong, being the lovely elf that he is, the lord of Rivendell had picked the most potent and dangerous plants and animals he could think of for them to bring back.  
  
"Whatever" Kai growled, grabbing a bright purple snake from the undergrowth and throwing it his basket, which it just slithered out of again and went on its merry way.  
  
"Ok, I've got to ask you" Kalin said after they had been foraging for almost two hours "Why the hell are you naked?"  
  
Kai turned round, flashing a smirk "Elrond said we weren't allowed to wear our nice robes into the forest" The shameless elf explained, seemingly leaving it there.  
  
Kalin rolled his eyes "Yes, I'm aware of that, I think he meant for us to wear our working robes out" He said; indicating to the dark brown tunic he now wore. His brother shrugged.  
  
"He should have been more specific" Kai bent down to grab hold of a deep red weed, not knowing that this certain plant contained teeth.  
  
( ( 5 minutes later ) )  
  
"That's it! I'm going back!" Kai yelled, rubbing his backside, which was now, decorated with many infected-looking bite marks. Kalin was laughing in the background, tears streaming down his face, well he was allowed to, he's just seen his elder brother loose a fight with a plant.  
  
"You – are – so – weak!" He gasped out, falling to his knees. Kai raised an eyebrow, apparently pondering. While the younger elf was distracted his brother took the chance to slip something down his back, something that wouldn't take affect until a bit later.  
  
Turning his back again Kai began walking back towards Rivendell "Come on, we gotta get back" He said, with surprising maturity.  
  
"Oh no you don't" Kalin got to his feet with a stern look "If you think I'm letting you waltz into Rivendell completely starkers you've got another thing coming, dear brother"   
  
"Pfft... there's nothing you can do about it..." The raven head said nonchalantly.  
  
"Kai, I'm begging you! For the sanity of every elf you might traumatize, stay here, I'll bring you back some clothes"  
  
"Nope"  
  
"What?" The younger of the two had a pleading look in his eyes, which turned to frustration as Kai walked off "Gods! You're so embarrassing!"  
  
"I live to serve, little brother"  
  
"Serve who exactly?"  
  
"Myself, of course!"  
  
( ( At Rivendell ) )  
  
Well, to say that Kai got stared was pretty much an understatement. At least 3 elves fainted from the shock with a 4th just sort of twitching quite worryingly. Few noticed the miserable shadow following the tactless elf.  
  
"Lord Elrond!" Kai exclaimed with a bow "We have returned"  
  
"Yes, I can _see_ that" Elrond was shaking, his fist clenched at his side and his teeth being positively worn down. He'd cracked. "THAT IS IT! I WA- "  
  
Before he could go on a cool voice spoke out from behind the lord "Hmm, perhaps you should consider castration for them, Lord Elrond" A blonde haired elf stepped out, looking at Kai with distaste, who had stepped back fearfully.  
  
"Legolas" the elder brother said sweetly, bowing again but noticeably scanning the blonde. Legolas did not look amused.  
  
"Hello Kai, still vibrant I see" He commented offhandedly, Kai grinned and Kalins head shot up unexpectedly. "By the way" Legolas continued, not noticing the younger brothers attempt to stifle a violent twitch "My father sends word, he said the next time one of you two vomits on him again he will personally see to it that you loose any drinking privileges you may have, as well as many vital parts of your anatomy" He smiled, matching Kais voice with sweetness.  
  
Before Kai could come out with any crude comment, there was a disturbance...of the large kind "YIKES!" Kalin yelled, falling on the floor, and appearing to have a seizure. Whilst all the elves gazed at him with perplexed or frightened look, Kai grinned "Ah so it worked..." He began laughing "Ooh Legolas, have you been working out?" He tried the corny chat up line, hoping to seduce the blonde prince...but ended up with a punch in the face...  
  
( ( KAI! ) )  
  
Soz this took so long...writers block, ya know?


End file.
